Connected

Kimmy

Oh, not all men have. Yeah, a high libido. No, in fact. A lot of men have low libidos.

Giarne

Yes, actually, and it's not socially acceptable, or at least not talked about even amongst women.

Kimmy

No, absolutely right.

Giarne

The expectation is that the men will have the high libido and the woman would have the low one. And when it's not like that, there's like a. On a shattering of expectations or a real pressure on both parties, I think.

Kimmy

Yeah, I would say that would be.

Speaker 3

An understatement. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. You have a real a real passion project for this sort of stuff. Kimmy. I. Yeah. Do you want?

Giarne

To know what has been your experience of different libidos in intimate relationships. Ohh, within what you feel comfortable sharing given that we are one part of the parties involved.

Kimmy

Yeah, that's a really. Wonderful question to kick off with, I, as you know, I've got a very. High libido, yes. Yeah. So even in terms of when we stereotypically say that men have high libidos, which a lot of men do. I would, I would probably say that my libido would be even higher than. That OK, yeah. So I just wanted to let you know that because it frames my experiences absolutely other people's leaders so. I have had the. Experience throughout my sexual life of being with men who have libidos that could match mine, that has not been the norm.

Giarne

Interesting. So of the. Of your experience, the yours has most often been the higher libido.

Kimmy

Yes. And overwhelmingly I have been with men. Who have had long libido. All libidos that have been. Easily affected by stress by an argument by lifestyle. My life, my life, and that has been a really. Eye opening experience for me to have because my libido. Doesn't change with those things.

Giarne

OK, I would be more like the other person. My libido definitely changes based on life.

Kimmy

Yeah, yeah. So it's.

Giarne

Do you? I don't know a whole lot about libido. So what do you know about in terms of why that is that sometimes people's libidos change? Based on life, do you know much? I don't know.

Kimmy

You know, I probably should have done research because I was in this situation for so long. I I don't. I honestly don't know.

Giarne

I wonder if it's just like personalities. People are kind of in the same way that you know, you can have two people in a stressful situation and one person can perceive it as traumatic and the other can go man. It's just a bit stressful. Yeah. I just wonder. If it's been like.

Kimmy

That I can. I can speak for. Myself and say that. My libido increases even more when I'm really in my body and I have an embodied way of living, and I'm not in my head. I think I have had moments where I have been in my head. And I'm always up for sex, but it's never as good. It's never as connected. Yeah, I'm not connected with my body. I'm probably not connecting with my partner. And I think for me the key has just been to really settle into my body. What is the breeze feel like on my? In what does the warm sunlight feel like and just be really centered?

Giarne

Yeah. No, I can relate to that. I know when when I'm stressed, I'm and I've said this to to my husband. I'm just too up in my head right now. Yeah. And so I when you said Ohh, it's when I'm in my body that the experience is the best. I think that is so true.

Kimmy

Yeah. So one of the practices that work really well. Me when I notice and I'm up. In my head. Is that I would ask him to lay on top of me for a while so I could feel his weight on my. Body. So I have a sense of where my body is. So just later and maybe just for a minute and I'm just back in my body then yeah. So things like.

Giarne

That. Yeah, that's such a good little hack, isn't it? Like, you know, and it I think if you've got a trusting relationship, you can have that conversation without there necessarily being pressure for more. Like, I mean, obviously for you, you have a higher libido. But there are other people who might be listening that don't, and it can be about the connection experience rather than about. That a sexual experience like it can be the connected part of sex rather than all it has to be penetrated.

Kimmy

Sex with an orgasm.

Giarne

Yeah, yeah.

Kimmy

I feel like that touches on another element of sex for me, and that is that I wonder if my libido is affected by the fact that, for me, sex is a. Form of communication and communion. So it's not just about getting off. I could do that myself. Yeah, I do do that myself. I don't need a partner for the getting off. I mean, it's beautiful. Yeah, but for me, the meaning of sex. This connection. Yeah. Yeah. And communion. And being able to communicate something without words. Yeah, and. And also you take a different communication journey when it's physical. Umm, so I will. I'm the type. Of person that will often, if I'm if we're in a sort of a conversation where it's not looking like we're gonna keep connected in that conversation. I will ask. Can we physically be intimate? Because then we're connected. Then we're on the same page and we can pick up the conversation later.

Giarne

That will help you. Such an. Different perspective than what I'm used to hearing. I love that it's about the connection, not about the physicality or of of something or like you said about the getting off, because I think that particularly in the media that we've shown, that is what the purpose of sex is being portrayed as, that the purpose is for one or both. Bodies physical enjoyment, not the connected because there's so many levels.

Kimmy

Ohh, absolutely. And the interesting thing is that when you focus on that deep connection, it just feels better. It feels so good throughout it. In my experience that it really doesn't matter if you have an orgasm or not, because the whole experience has been pleasurable. You're not focused on an outcome, you're really just present. And both people understand that at any time. Anything could happen, one person says. You know what? That was really beautiful. I don't wanna continue. That never happens. You. They, you know, they could. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're so I usually orgasm really easily. But there have been times where I I haven't orgasmed first and it's been so beautiful. The whole process that I really don't need to I don't need.

Speaker 3

That it would be safe to.

Kimmy

To have that experience.

Giarne

Really concerns you? What is the purpose of engaging in sex? Is isn't it like you know you think about if you're gonna have a conversation with someone about whatever the topic is, you know, going into that, the purpose of this conversation is X. If you're going into a sexual experience. And the expectation is the entire purpose of this is for orgasm. Then that's a completely different expectation for both parties. Then the purpose of this is for us to connect and have a meaningful experience with each other. I just, I see so much of this in like the mums that I know. There's part of, but even like anyone who's in a relationship, there's. Not a lot of.

Speaker

People who you.

Giarne

Generally feel safe about going hey, how often are you and your partner having sex? And and it's not Even so much the question of how often. But what is the purpose of you guys having sex? Is it to communicate and connect meaningfully? Is it for both parties to have a sexual need met? Is it like, what is the value of of that form of connection?

Kimmy

Yeah. And I think sometimes we don't. We haven't examined what the meaning is. What does it mean for? And I I think it's a, it's. A big deal having sex.

Giarne

So vulnerable like an experience.

Kimmy

Yeah, I think having a self pleasuring practice. Facilitates the ability to use physical intimacy as a mode of communication.

Giarne

OK, tell me more about.

Kimmy

That because the getting off part has already been achieved. Well, your needs are met. You know you're satisfied. In that way you you know yourself much better, I think just from a a hormone perspective, you're healthier and it's not like you are relying on this one person to give you an orgasm. So a lot hinges on that. Like, that's pressure oppression.

Giarne

It's a little water on, man. On both parties. To have an orgasm, I mean, there's a reason there's so many. Things in the media about women.

Kimmy

Faking it. Yeah, I think there is a lot of pressure. On both, yeah, people. A lot of pressure on men as well, I. Just I just feel like it's a really. Generous thing for me to do is as. A partner to look after myself in that way. Yeah, and enjoy whatever happens in the space with him. And to really keep that.

Giarne

Sacred. Yeah. I just think that's such a beautiful way of looking at it, of having an experience be just what it is. And both parties looking after their needs and their partners needs so that like you know, you've all got an expectation going in of this is the purpose of our connection. Yeah. And I will look after my needs and you look after your needs and together we'll look after our needs as a couple, right.

Kimmy

Yes. Ohh my gosh.

Giarne

Yeah. Yeah, I think that. I think we lose sight of that sometimes, and I know for me, I have not always loved my own. My own values around sex. I think I've had a lot of expectations that I've put on myself that have not been what I want to value. So what I mean by that as in. I would describe myself as a feminist, and so I believe that both parties should have a positive experience and that it should not be about all one parties completion. And yet I would find myself getting up in my own head about the fact that my. Libido was low. And then I needed to meet my partner's needs. And I am so lucky that I have a partner who is not, I shouldn't say so. Lucky. This should be the expectation for all relationships that my partner would never pressure me to do something that I don't want to do. And yet I would pressure myself to go. I need to meet his. Need not necessarily and I think part of. That is the. The values that I had around the purpose of this activity. Are to meet his needs, not to meet both of our needs and have a mutual connection. And so I think the way you've described how you see sex as so beautiful, because I I think we lose. Of what is the purpose of this experience together? And if you view it from the point of connect. Action then I think some of those layers that I know I've definitely experienced of the pressure to participate in something, maybe I didn't want to, but the pressure was being put on by myself, not necessarily partner. Now I I know there are other women out there who the partner does put pressure on and I don't feel like that is appropriate. Because of my own personal values around relationships and consent.

Kimmy

From my experience, just picking up on your point around, feeling the pressure that you put on yourself to meet a partner's sexual needs so just to pleasure him without an expectation of being pleasured in return, yes. Well, not I should. I should clarify, without an expectation of having an orgasm. As well, yeah, some people call it finishing off or whatever. When you take the perspective of sex and love making is is a communion and communication. I think you view offering someone something really differently. Yes, it's almost as though you're contributing to a conversation when you're giving to that person and that they're receiving what you have to say in that moment. It's a really profound experience and I'd be really curious to hear if you decided to experiment with.

Speaker 3

That ohh.

Giarne

Yeah. What your?

Kimmy

Your personal experience with that would be.

Giarne

Yeah, I have had different periods of time in my adult life where my libido has changed with life hormones and all the rest of it, and I have ended up sliding back into those and I think are socialised ideas around sex and the purpose of it rather than what it is that I consciously.

Speaker

Just leave.

Giarne

Value around six and so I'm more aware of it now, so when I. Start to, you know, feel apprehension around something. I'm more conscious of. OK, this is the. Those old ideas showing up, because this is what I knew about sex from when I was younger than it's not necessarily how I value it and how. Can I think? About it differently, and I think just like from taking away in this conversation that the thing that I then tell myself after that would change, which is this is an opportunity for. Communion. This is an opportunity for a connection and and so much of the conversations. When we do talk. About our sex life are so. Kind and compassionate and that there is such a deep caring for the other person that we want the whole experience to be positive. So it's sort of like. OK, how can we? Look after each other in this but. I know there's a lot of couples. Out there, who don't even talk about sex at all.

Kimmy

Ah, absolutely. It's like the.

Giarne

Taboo in the cupboard and I think.

Kimmy

I'd be really.

Giarne

Interested to know do you have any tips? I guess that you would want to share with people about how they could introduce the topic to have a conversation with an intimate partner about their. Life so that they could. Move towards a more connected experience.

Kimmy

Gosh, that's such a big.

Giarne

That's a huge.

Kimmy

One question, and I'm not a relationships therapist or a sex therapist, but the first thing that comes to mind is it's it's an inner job. You know, I think it's really about exploring. What does sex mean for you? What are your core beliefs around sex? I know that's a very like. Is a really big. Appreciate what your call beliefs, but it's really what are. You believing here? What are you thinking? Where is the source. Of the fear for you around talking about. Do you have a safe partner to talk about with this? How are you going to cope emotionally if the conversation doesn't go very well because it may not the first few times you bring it up depends who your.

Giarne

Partner is how safe everybody feels about it.

Kimmy

And and the communication skills that both people have. I mean, it's easy to say, go to a therapist to have that conversation. That a lot of people aren't gonna go. To a fair, since that's a very confronting.

Giarne

I was gonna say either. Even getting in the door can be a big challenge for for couples they don't want to go and say to somebody else that we want to talk about sex. Never mind have.

Kimmy

The conversation with each other. Yeah. And sometimes not all therapists will handle it. Effectively either and. I know that from personal experience, having gone to a sex therapist, so yeah, I just, I feel like that's a really big question, so.

Giarne

Your advice before about get connected with yourself is all true.

Kimmy

Connected with yourself physically too. So I think that would give confidence even if you're not disclosing to your partner that you self pleasure, masturbate, whatever you wanna call it. Mm-hmm. You're developing that trust and that confidence within your own body. Yeah.

Giarne

I think when I. Have had issues with libido and talked about it with my therapists before. That was their. Too, so yeah, they were like, go and do the things that help you be connected in your body with yourself as a sexual being. Yeah. And so, you know, it's, you know, it might be go by the lingerie, but by the lingerie for you because. It makes you feel. Sexy or go get a sex toy and work out. What it is that you? Like, yeah, just by yourself.

Kimmy

Like get more than one tried different ones. There's a lot of different beautiful ones out there.

Giarne

Yes, totally.

Kimmy

Yeah, that's another podcast. Maybe yes.

Speaker 3

That is.

Giarne

Maybe we'll end up with, like, sponsors for vibrators. Yeah.

Speaker

Yes, please can we?

Kimmy

And and I think also developing alternative languages of movement. So for me I started being I I lived in a sexless marriage for a decade, and one of the ways that I brought back in a language of movement was to be to go swimming. So I started swimming laps. Because I was touched on all surfaces of my body by the water, I took out belly dancing again and then Zumba, and that really was a very embodying practice.

Giarne

Have you ever done pole?

Kimmy

I have it I. Would like to try. I have visions of myself. Really awkwardly having my. Legs like cocked up in that. There and getting concussion cause. I've fallen on my head. To go, I'd give it a yeah, I always wondered

Speaker 3

No, I haven't. And I.

Giarne

It's been interesting. I've caught myself like looking at. You know, social. Media of other people who, because we have our pole studio where I live, they have. And I've sort of like would have been like, Oh my God, I'd never have the confidence to do that. And then I've kind of gone, like, almost admiration for the fact that these people are connected to themselves enough to, like, get out there and give it their best shot. And I'm wondering if that's sort of how belly dancing was for you. Like, I'm connected to myself, but also connected. To myself as a. Like being able feel sexy and.

Kimmy

He absolutely and also following the lead of an instructor, particularly for Zumba. So it just happened to be my first a Zumba instructor was male. So that was a really positive experience for me because. I had the experience of surrendering into being LED in a movement.

Giarne

Yes, being led when we are. Strong, independent women.

Kimmy

It was beautiful. It's a very it's very empowering to surrender into that. And the surrendering helped me get back into my. Body yeah, it was a. Really positive thing. There's a Netflix docco about pole dancing. Yeah. Yeah. And I forget the name of it. I'll have to let you know later. Some of our listeners might know. Yeah.

Giarne

Put in the show notes.

Kimmy

Definitely put in the show notes, but that's I've watched that twice. I can't believe I can't remember the name of it, but definitely recommend it, yeah.

Giarne

OK. Yeah. Maybe that's going to be my challenge to go try. A pole dancing clothes. I might need to work on my coordination before.

Kimmy

We get there. You could work on it as you go.

Giarne

I think it's about, like you said, it's about feeling. Powered in your body, so whether that's a pole dancing class or Zumba class or swimming, you are dancing in your own kitchen in your underwear.

Kimmy

Like I would do that. Too and the other. Thing I did too was now that I'm giving away. All my secrets is I've got this deck and it overlooks bamboo. Yep. And I love the rain and I love getting. Right. And so I have this practice in summer when we get all the storms that as soon as it starts raining, I literally strip everything off. And I will go out onto my deck. No one can see. Me because of the. Bamboo. Yeah. And I will just either stand there or I'll dance. And now my kids are so accustomed to this, they strip off as well. They're still little. They get out there and do. Same thing it is. So it's just so liberating to be that connected unself consciously to nature. It's a very organic, very nourishing. I recommend it. Yeah. It's a very nourishing experience, but it was really funny because I. The last time this happened, my oldest son had taken a photo of me knowing, and I've accidentally found him like. Who's this? Oh, my God. That's my baby.

Giarne

Look, I haven't seen myself from.

Speaker 3

This angle.

Kimmy

Do you have any practices that? Help you feel like you're in your body.

Giarne

I find it's about some of perhaps the practices that I don't. Do that actually help? Me stand my body and I know. That's gonna sound odd. I am so. Curious. Yeah, like I find I find I have to disconnect from social media. I end up in my own body. So I like have to sort of stop the consuming of everybody else's content and start going now. What are you doing in your like get connected back into your life? I find reading really helpful.

Kimmy

Really. Yeah. How is that? Helpful for you to get back into your. Body cause that's a very cognitive.

Giarne

Yeah, it depends on the on the book. So if I'm not in my own, I'm talking like. Otherwise, if I'm up in my own head and struggling, I will find reading like a fantasy, romance or historical romance.

Kimmy

****** fiction.

Giarne

Yeah. Really. Yeah, absolutely. Like because it's not a case of the.

Kimmy

For all year.

Giarne

The desire doesn't exist, but that I'm overthinking it and so, and I think it was fascinating. Said this thing about a study where they were saying that women think that they don't have desire, but they do. We're just not very attuned to it. They just study where they showed a hope of women, essentially pornographic images or. Things that would be. More likely to be sexually attractive or desirable, right? And they monitored things like heart rates and people dilation and mucus secretions. And then and then they asked the women. To report their level. Of desire and the physiological reactions were there, and yet the women's reporting of their desire. Was that it wasn't. Well, like there was almost like this complete. Like we said, this disconnect from their body to how they thought they felt. And then they asked men to do the same thing. And the men's physiological reactions reflected exactly how they felt. They were very in tune with their physical response to desire. And I was like, Oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. And it's almost like it's not as socially acceptable for women to be as in touch with their desire or, like, there was definitely. A obviously across the board experience for women to not be as in tune with their bodies, physiological responses to desire, and I almost wonder if it goes all the way back to you need to be a good little girl and not be over sexualized and. Be desirable but. Not too desirable like attract attention, but don't attract too much attention. And and you know, like I could get into my feminist right here, really.

Speaker 3

And I wondered.

Giarne

I wondered how much of it was that stuff that we don't even realise is happening. The really unconscious beliefs that we're taught about what it means to be a woman and to be sexual. Yeah, you may have a very different opinion. I feel like you do tell me.

Speaker

A lot of.

Kimmy

A lot of things, you've seen things. Percolate and one of the main thing. Things that is percolating here is the trust that we place on our bodies and how we reference to the, to our bodies and when we get to the point where consulting our bodies as a form of intelligence. Yeah, you know that just opens up a whole other way of being.

Giarne

If you're not trusting your own body, then of course you're not gonna be in. Tune with your desire.

Kimmy

Yeah. So I so as you were speaking, I was half listening to. Zoning and just thinking to myself, how do I reference to my body and I because just hearing you say those women didn't understand like they couldn't pick up. It's such a foreign experience to me and I was trying to understand why and I think it's that I am always referencing to my body. So I have a self pleasuring practice that involves. The lunchtime practice, like I'm constantly what does my body need right now to be energised? Or connected or whatever what? What is it telling me? Yeah.

Giarne

Yeah. So it's interesting. You asked me, what do I do to stay connected into my body? And I went. I know the things that I do that don't keep me connected to my body. But I don't know that I have as consistent of a. What are the steps that I do to stay connected in my body and a topic for another episode? I actually think part of it's related to history of kind of health.

Kimmy

Oh yeah, that is really awesome too, a practice that's really good, nice and easy. That may work is not sounds ridiculous, but at the end of your work day, have a shower. Even if you have to have another shower before because you don't wanna smell like the.

Giarne

And pain and all that, yeah.

Kimmy

May have cooked even if it's just a 2 minute shower. Have a shower, wash the day off, wash the day off, put some moisturizer on some clean clothes. That's a very embodying practice that helps us into you. Cause we often just plough through our day and as women we carry a cognitive load. Huge. Have I met people's needs today? What needs are currently there? What are the future needs? And so we're that's a lot in our heads.

Giarne

And often our needs are not the ones that we're asking the question for, but what I'm hearing you saying is you're going. I'm asking that question and that's how. I'm staying connected to my.

Kimmy

Body. Yeah, I'm. I'm going to have a shower. It's like that feeling of when you've been at the beach all day and you have a shower and it's summer and you get a fresh dress on and put.

Giarne

So clean.

Kimmy

Some moisturizer on. Yeah. And you just feel at peace in your body. We can have that every day.

Giarne

And how freeing with that feel so good, yeah. There we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 3

Tip for today is have a shower when you. Get home at the end of the day.

Giarne

So I'm going to try it, and yeah, we can explore this more some different ways to stay connected in our bodies. Cause I think the. To try it. Acts are not just to intimate relationships, it's to everything we do.

Kimmy

That would be an awesome discussion to have next time stay connected.

Giarne

All right.