Connected

Kimmy

So we're on the sunny coast.

Giarne

Yes, we are.

Kimmy

Yeah, you've driven. 3 1/2 hours to get here. And it's. Is it your first night away from Thea?

Giarne

I think it's probably my third.

Kimmy

This far away?

Giarne

The furthest I've ever been away, and probably the longest I've ever been away to. To the last time I had time away. So the first time I had a night away from her, we. Were both in. Hospital we had norovirus and she was up on the PEDs board and I was in Dem and she was 11 months old and it was the first time I'd. Had seven hours sleep. In one go, since she'd been born. And then the second time my husband organised a girls overnight. At a pagara, which is about 20 minutes, not. Even like 10 minutes.

Kimmy

Gone. Yeah. You sound like you've got the best Husband. Ever.

Giarne

I do. And he's taken ladies. Sorry.

Yeah, he did. I. Had said to him earlier I was. Like I'm so burnt out and I feel. Like my needs. Aren't being met. And he was like I'm gonna. Meet all the needs so. He, like organized with my girlfriends for a overnight. In accommodation and some of them. To stay and then others still have. Little babies at home so couldn't. But it was. I had literally only 24 hours away, like and I was still breastfeeding at the time. So I think I. Yeah, left it like. 11 and was back by 11 the next day, and I was close enough that if I wanted to, I could have, like, popped in and just checked in, and that was that was a while ago. Now we're more than nine months.

Kimmy

Away ago. So I know you're not feeling guilty. No, having come down here to do some podcasting recording. But I am curious. To hear what you are feeling.

Giarne

Yes, I thought I would feel guilty. But I actually don't I. I really have been loving exploring definitions of words and what it actually means in order to understand should should it. Does that word apply here? So for me, guilt is doing something without consideration for other people like that. Sorry. Selfishness is doing something without consideration for other people and guilt is when we need to. Make amends for our behaviour like, have we done something that maybe we could do different next time? And I don't feel like the choice today to come here with. She's with her dad and she's with a loving parent and I spent yesterday afternoon and last night. Connecting before I went away. We're not breastfeeding anymore. I know I sound like I'm justifying, but yeah, I don't. I don't feel guilty. But I do miss her. Hmm. So we just had a phone call just now from my husband and daughter, and she was crying. And really, dysregulated and mummy, I miss you and come home and my heart. Because I wanted to. Be like I'm getting in the car now I'm coming. And at the same time. I know that this will help build resilience for. All of us. I've seen some reels out there that talk about like they talk about in relation to mothers and. Sons. But I think it applies. Again, this is my feminist thing. I think it applies for mothers. Full stop, that at parenting is. Like a slow breakup. That you know, you've got your child that's fully dependent on you and it's just a slow progression to independence and they don't need you, but. At the same time. They actually do need you. They just needs change.

Kimmy

It needs change in the autonomy. It's different, yeah. And I I one of the things that is really beautiful about, I mean essentially you've created an emotional rupture because she's used to having you there and then you're away and she misses you. And so you're experiencing that as well. And that's not a bad thing. That's actually that's a necessary thing to develop a stable attachment. So you will go back home, circle back and repair that rupture because Mummy came back. I love you. I reconnect. And how beautiful for her to experience Mummy comes back.

Giarne

Yes, just like when they first stay with. Someone for even a couple of hours while you go do. Something else? Yeah, and.

Kimmy

And look at my mum. She's doing things and she's. Really happy. And she's come back and her cup's full yes, because she's really enthused and she's got to do. This passion project.

Giarne

Umm yeah, absolutely. I know that I am a better parent for. Being able to have a break. Absolutely. I know there's been different times where I have wanted different. My parenting need to look different so. And what what I mean by that is like. I think when she was about nine months old, I was like, I don't. Know if I. Ever want to go back to work? Because at that point in time, I wasn't ready and my needs were to be with her. And then by the time she was about 15 months old, I was like, I'm ready. I am ready for some independence. I want to get out of the car. And just walk. Away and not have to get all the things out.

Kimmy

Goodnight.

Giarne

Yes. Yes. At the door and it's sort of I've been, I've been lucky enough that I've been able to. In my own business, and so I can choose my own hours and decide how much I do or don't want to do. And I know you're in the same boat. And so I've been. Able to at. Our pace decide how many days we're gonna have apart and how many days we'll be together and what that looks. Like and it. Was actually a big part of the motivator. For me to. Go into business. Rather than be an employee was that I wanted the independents to decide what my family's needs were and how. I would meet them. And at the same time. It can still hurt, like no one says that that experience is not pain free like.

Kimmy

Absolutely. It took me so long not to be almost crippled by the the missing of the kids, because if you don't leave them to go away, if you haven't done that before, it feels really odd if you're in a tuned mum not to be. With your child. Yes, I had. I had quite a few times. Where I force myself to go away and I did not enjoy it. Took me ages before I could get to the point where. It it was a positive thing for everyone involved.

Giarne

Yeah, it reminds me of the first few times I left her with either my husband or my mum to go to an appointment or something and. You feel like you're missing.

Kimmy

A limb. It's odd. It's odd.

Giarne

Feeling and I almost wanted and I actually. I actually did. I wanted AT shirt that had like mum across the front of it because I felt permanently branded as different and my child wasn't with me. And yet I wanted like some outward symbol of like. I have a baby. She's not here, but she has changed me irrevocably. Like.

Speaker

Ohh and so like I did.

Giarne

Have a shirt that had mom. And like I still. Would wear it, but I probably the need. To wear it. Would be a little different, not like. I need everybody to. Know that I am changed and my missing limb is elsewhere.

Kimmy

Yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. And and my kids are older, and I've had still occasions where my oldest, who's 11. We're very close to one another. I've had moments just in the last few months where he's called up and he's been sobbing, begging me. To come home? Yeah, to get him from his dad's house. And not because his dad had done anything wrong. He just missed you. He just really wanted me. Yeah, that's hard. So hard. It's really hard.

Giarne

I think particularly when when you're like an attuned parent to wanting to meet your children's needs. When they ask for something, can you go? I actually. Can't or are? It's actually not in any of our best interest, right? Now for anything.

Kimmy

I'm choosing not to. Yeah, and there's so much.

Giarne

That's why I sort of like wanted to preface when we start this conversation about what is. Selfish. And what is guilt? Because so often we then frame that like you hear all the time. Like. Ohh then. The mum guilt hit and. You're like, OK, So what does that actually? Mean did you do something wrong or did you? Just feel the pain that is sometimes parenting. Because it's this. She's not easy, ladies.

Kimmy

Like uh, it's not meant.

Giarne

To be well, ladies and gents, this shirt is not easy.

Kimmy

Yeah. Hmm. No. So how how are you feeling now after you've had a bit of time to? Process the phone call I.

Giarne

My instant reaction was I want to get in the car and let's go. On coming home, baby and and at the same time, I also instantly knew that was. Not the right call. I my heart breaks a little. Bit for both my husband and my daughter for my husband because I know. He is also a really attuned parent. And he is there trying to meet her need so that she feels supported and safe and she. Just wants her mum. And I know that rejection and we talked before about men and women's roles and that like for dads, there's a lot of rejection in these early years cause the kids do, they just want their. And how hard it can be to just keep showing up as a dad and offering to be there even when you keep getting told. No, get ****** like.

Kimmy

Yeah, you're so right.

Giarne

And so I watched that for him. And I'm going, you know, this is a really great opportunity. For them to build their. Secure attachment that. Mummy's not here for Daddy. He is? Yeah. And also I know that his heart will be breaking too because he we all we hate seeing her upset. Well, parents don't enjoy seeing their kids sad, so I'm hoping that they'll call back again before she goes to bed tonight and we'll be able to do a bit of a connecting thing. We usually sing to her to go to bed. She gets still. I I don't have a singing voice, but she usually gets to pick a song, and then we all. Have an attempt. An attempt at it. And she's not yet at the age where she goes mummy. Stop. That's terrible also.

Kimmy

Wait for it. It's coming. Yeah, yeah.

Giarne

It's it is. So I'm looking forward to that. And I think interestingly, whilst. It hurt to see her sad. I'm looking forward to when we. Get when I get to. See you tomorrow. Yeah. Like, I'm really looking for you. Know the you turn up and. The their face lights. Up and if you're lucky, they run. Yeah. And you get to like, scoop them up. In your arms. Yeah. Ohh that's.

Kimmy

The best.

Giarne

Oh, that's well, here we go. You may disagree. I'm. Like it's better than sex.
It's better than drugs like.
That is, that is baby crack. Like it's beautiful. Yeah, it's just. And it's the the privilege of being. A parent. I think there's there's so many things that are hard and then those joy moments you gotta, you know, soak those those bad boys up. And I'm sitting here going. I'm feeling for them. I'm gonna check in with. Both of them, before they go to bed tonight and. On our wherever. They're at and I can't wait for.

Kimmy

Tomorrow. Yeah. Beautiful, that is it.